A Drift

I returned to Shantala’s after a long time, and met Arundathi, a school friend,

“Hi” she said,

“Hi”I replied

“Hi, nice to see you”

“Yeah nice to see you too” I flashed my best smile, that didn’t reach my eye and hot footed right out. It is rather sad when after the few moments of conversation you nothing to talk about. Of course we carry on the façade most of the times, while wondering what would be the politically right exit line. More

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Seven Pointers to my younger self.

Truth be said, no matter  who doles the advice, my younger self would definitely not listen.  Like all teenagers, I knew I was invincible think of it, a teenager cannot be born  a teenager cannot die  a teenager is essentially a bundle of confused energies shooting all around the place and like all energies teenagers can only change shapes, sizes and manifestation to become jaded sedate middle aged men and women..  It is only then the fear of failure and loss emerges, as for the teenager well they have not yet started … that puts failures and losses for a distant future.

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My 5 point template to deal with failure.


The cool shades of the Drone’s club, the rustle of leaves, the waft of very strong Coffee and Golibhajje. This is the right time to contemplate.
Actually Siddaramaiyya Bellad and his wife Sarasvati (Sid and Sara to you and me) had got me into this thing called Landmark Forum, a place where seasoned coaches would pull out the roaches from the deep hidden annals of your forgotten inner self, air it, and let go back to that blissful state of being unperturbed with happenings outside, with the gratifying knowledge that you have done your best and are now a better version of yourself.
One of the exercises we had there was to ask 10 people to share what they think is the best trait in you. When in Rome do as the Romans do… I put the Bolo on that one and the majority of my friends and family seem to think when it comes to bouncing back I could give the rubber ball a run for its money, mind you not a boomerang.
By this time my second coffee had hit and the spirit of that fellow Socrates must have seeped in, I kind of contemplated … Here is an excerpt from that internal conversation.
“How do I deal with failure or disappointment?”
“What do you mean by failure or disappointment?”
“I dunno.”
“What does Merriam-Webster say?”
“About failure… ” my conscious mind needed to ponder,”omission of occurrence or performance, lack of success, falling short.”
“What about disappointment?”
“It is failure to meet a hope or expectation.”
As this conversation was going on, for some unearthly reason I remembered a priest telling us about snakes, how the deforestation and construction work has confused the snake, their paths are blocked and destinations inaccessible. Many snakes have perished because they do not know how to find their way to their destination, while many snakes survived because they could navigate through a new path.
It was a like a thunderbolt…without the third shot of coffee…I had an epiphany that is what disappointment or failure meant to me… not reaching my destination and what I did was to find the new path.
Let’s be honest, at that moment I was only fit for the loony Dr.Glossop’s diagnosis of “Denial”. According to him, there are stages like denial…
Anger of course; in my teenage years I have planned elaborate execution procedures on people who got better of me.
Bargaining…I shall light 12 candles at mother of all sorrows if I can sit on my butt with out it hurting.
Depression… the sun will never shine again since the love of my life has gone away.
Acceptance
I think Dr. Glossop has taken a franchise on this — he doles it out for handling grief and what not — but we being groomed at the Drone’s club acknowledge that failure and disappointment are matters of grief. Each of those have been effected only when I took the next step…this was handed down to me by my immediate ancestor, my grandmother … she would brew me a great cuppa of Theobroma. I think she put in a drop of brandy and let me sleep it over next morning. She had a ritual called “Stock taking” which began with putting down on paper:
  1. What is the result I am looking at?
  2. What is the current state?
  3. What have I done that has worked?
  4. What are the other options?
  5. Take that step right away.
Somehow the process of grieving, shedding tears, venting my anger, would drain me, and it was as if the hot chocolate triggered the rejuvenation and I am back navigating.
And sometimes during the candid stock taking the truth hits you: your destination is warped.

This is written for Indispire#187

 

 

A Peek Into The Past.

If I could bring back someone from the other side of the rainbow bridge just for one day would I do it? and who would it be…?

Haa! A tough one, imagine being peaceful some of them even in new bodies and hey presto, I decide to bring them back, it would be like the Harry Potter spell ridikulus!!  JKRowlings didn’t attempt it either, she talked of the stone bringing people back and they being shadows of their old selves. Maybe it is a better to invite the ghost.

After all ghosts are energies of the people no, actually ghosts are the energies of people as we have perceived them. so here is where I come to death… when does a person really die when he is forgotten when there is no one to remember them. Those are the very people who come alive in their astral or energy form in my clinic.

Like Neville poor guy was not even aware that he was dead, he was living in Mr.S’s life for almost 15rs. Mr.S could only feel the burden, in the trance when requested any presence other than Mr.S to come up Neville said hello, his language was crude and he was very rude and aggressive, eventually he trusted us to guide him to the light. but the entire hour was quite difficult.

When NR was dealing with health issue it was time to look into her space, there were no extra energies, but hallelujah it was her own past life we had call from beyond the rainbow for about 2hrs. We had to understand her life and journey as Channa, who witnessed a murder at the Haldighat war, it resulted in her being thrown into a well and the consequences of that she was dealing with a estranged marriage and poor physical health.

Then there was SG again the story of estranged marriage and poor health, here we had to go into her past life, invite her own avatar as a warrior, who was awaiting his lady love, to apologize to, in that life she had chosen war over her spouse, that was scary.

Yes these are people we got back from the beyond and guided them to where they had to go. Despite of understanding that the souls leave the earth when their journey is over, it is best to leave them at peace, if they are not at peace we need to guide them to a resolution blah!blah! in my secret wishing well I have a person that I would like to call from beyond the rainbow, but I do not know who , I am not even sure if this person is male or female, this person holds the key to a story narrated by two of patients who do not know each other and are from absolutely different locations.

It is the story of temple in remote hinterlands of Goa when the Kadamba kings were on a conquest there was a cave temple where fire worship and rituals were going on, the Brahmin priest was very devout. The first patient saw the priests wife going to the river that flowed by as she filled the pot, she saw somebody swim by or so she thought, it turned out to a body floating she saw six more, when she tried to investigate, she saw an royal looking woman on the other side, who spotted her and shot her with an arrow, the last thing she could see was the woman scrambling up.

The other patient, said, he was on the banks of the same place, but on the other side he was the Kadamba Prince and he was awaiting his lady love a princess who belonged to this mysterious land. He called the princess Kamala, though he did not know her real name. The princess had given him access to the secret pathway which lead to the cave where the royal family was doing the fire ritual.  He had sent his soldiers ahead they had entered the cave and beheaded the priest and the royal family there were seven bodies in all that were thrown into the river.

The realized there should have been eight, the priests wife he could see her at the river bank, she had spotted Kamala, the princess to keep herself safe killed the woman. She scrambled before the defending soldiers could arrive,

At this point he came out of trance, but I would definitely like to know more both about what happened to Kamala, for the Kadamba Kings ruled Goa for long the royal family still resides at Ponda. It would be interesting to track this story.

written for indispire 179 edition, prompt by Nabanita who blogs at http://eatwithnabz.blogspot.in/

Kuwabara —

Incandescent rains, warm cup of coffee, a plate of banana chips, my feet firmly tucked under the cushion of the living room, I was lost in the land of intrigue and murder,

My right eye began twitching; now every blighter and blighteress in town knows that the right eye twitching means stressful situations ahead.  That’s when aunt Rajini’s favourite black cat crossed Paddamma’s path, and Paddamma the resident authority divination screeched….”apashakuna!!!” again apashakuna as all diligent viewers of Hindi TV series know is a bad omen.

One can’t help feeling sorry for the black Cat, I don’t mean the commando’s I mean the four legged feline, having to check out for screeching Paddamma’s before they go anywhere, I like to keep it simple,

If your nose itches it means it wants to be scratched there

if a black cat crosses your path its going somewhere.

I was told by relevant authorities that old wives tales need not be superstitions, for old wives tales sits deep in folk wisdom, while superstition emerges from ignorance or fear of the unknown.  I have the authority of Bertrand Russell to say so, not to mention the stringent training by Merriam-Webster.

Now there is Stuart Vyse PhD actually calls superstition, Magical thinking , you check out his book Believing in Magine: Psychology of Superstition. Back to his authority, most people touch wood, believe in witches and ghosts, daayan’s and chudail in India. I do some unguarded moments, when thoughts like what is the psychology behind magical thinking, is it good or bad, do  we suffer more when we don’t understand or is understanding in itself a challenge!! Touch wood those moments pass over quite fast.

Taking a deep breath before I start doing something is a ritual that calms me, If I take only six deep breathes with counts in place then that becomes obsessive compulsive disorder,(OCD) and if I believe that my work will be doomed if I do not do the ritual that becomes superstition.

Probably the need for certainty is the driving force behind most superstition.  At times I wonder if keeping my fingers crossed, is just positive re-enforcement and an affirmation that I have placed my faith universe, maybe the sheer discomfort of keeping the fingers crossed keeps me focused on the goal.  This maybe an emotional placebo that allows for belief enhancement.

Then there are those superstitions that trigger phobia, if hand a broom to someone you will have an argument with that person ; of course you will, I doubt if any one will appreciate being asked to do a clean sweep… or clean dirty bins superstitions can lull you into false security ask the gambler who lost the last poker game… I know of girl who stayed indoors an entire day because she sighted a single mynah when she went out and the school ditty was

One for sorrow

Two for joy

Three for a letter

Four for a boy

Guess as we grow older, along with elves, and Santa we lose faith in superstitions.  Vyse is gender biased he says women are more superstitious than men. What I understand is– People prone to anxiety disorders tend to attract superstitions. People who believe they are He-man (he is the master of the universe) tend to be less superstitious, as compared to the “Oh! The World is out harass me” believers.

Just because you rub the feet of John Harvard statue at Harvard for good luck does not make you the next study material for Sir Roderick Glossop, chill,  it could just be your source of comfort,  a way of connecting with the greater community, your loved ones whatever

When my  right twitches I know it time to quit, that is quit worrying for  my stress level are probably heading to the nearest Kanchenjunga or at least Sonsogor (highest peak in Goa.) but of course if the twitching persists, then into my mind creeps the monster called “What-if” and we are back on our way to Sonsogor, then I deliberately identify something that is out of balance in my zone, attribute the twitch to the that, cut cords, thank  Archangel Gabriel for the annunciation and move on.

But again when afflicted by the thinking disorder, I do wonder what sustains the superstitions to linger generation after generation…I have recently been told by Emma Goldman that, patriotism, is a superstition artificially created and maintained through a network of lies and false hoods, a superstition that robs man of his self respect and dignity and increases his arrogance and conceit” it’s time to ponder on this Kuwabara1superstition

Kuwabara is the Japanese/Chinese slang for superstition. Kuwabara actually means Mulberry tree forest and it is believed that the Mulberry tree cannot be struck down by lightening so saying Kuwabara; Kuwabara protects the speaker from being struck down by lightening.

This blog is written for the #172 Edition of Indispire prompt put forth by R.Ramesh who blogs at http://ramesh-randomrambling.blogspot.in/

To Decree or Not?

When people Judge, they are going through a process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing. That is quite an acceptable process, isn’t it a scientific process to come to a logical conclusion. There is also a capacity that guides these judgments.

Maybe what we are talking when we say people judging us—we are talking about utterance of an authoritative opinion, there is a decree that is pronounced… a label that gets attached. This label could influence the way people react to us.

Yes people who have judged me in the past do adorn my hall of monsters today. I did walk to through the corridor saying I don’t care a fig about what you call me, “Noodiswami naavirode heege” despite that deep within it did count, I felt victimized, until I attended the landmark curriculum for living where I realized people may judge you or may not judge that is their prerogative, then others may accept that judgement or not that is their prerogative, the only bit that you can control is your reactions and your judgement.

It does however take tremendous effort to forgive myself for being affected by those judgements, but EFT, cord-cutting does help me over come my belief in a judgement decreed upon. Sounds clichéd right that is how this works though.

I remember my mother and her friends talking about Mrs. Talbot, who used be quite bizarre by those days standards she wore sleeveless blouses apparently had affairs with prominent powerful men, would not cook, and make her young kids do the house work etc. etc. thirty years later during a casual conversation her daughter lets on that Mrs. Talbot was diagnosed Bipolar and was under medication.

There is this beautiful concept in the Landmark forum it is called already always listening, that is I pass a judgement on a person, let’s say I take a stance that Dr.G   thinks I am dumb blonde, then all my  interactions with Dr.G will through this filter, no matter what communication he puts I will tend to wrap it in the Dr.G thinks I am dumb filter!! The minute we take that filter out the quality of the interaction and communication varies.

To me judgements says more about the labeller than the labelled. It is not about what they call you it is about what you answer to.

Coming to do I judge people, I must be how else will I interact with someone, even when I say I am judging it means I have relevant information, I have come to a conclusion the conclusion may favour the person in question or may not but I do go through the process, what I mean is I will not label you. And I may not depend on this set of information and conclusion for any other interaction we may have in the future.

It is an effort each time, to step back and take a call, when I am dealing with people my labels for them does pop out, what helps is dialogue, an opportunity for people to communicate from outside the limitations of their points of views, when we enter a circle of dialogue, judgements could alter, labels could falter, only humans are in the conversation.

Before I declare,”it is like that only” have you noticed, people who talk about detachment, and religion tend to point their fingers instead of extending a helping hand? I am being judgement here am I not?

written for indispire edition 172  #judgingpeople

Posted by pranju chakrapani under Memoirs

On Siblings

Siblings are people born to the same parents.

I remember my mother talking of two of her cousins, when they were young they would for every be playing chor-police and then it would end in a fight Dewar style, my mother’s irate aunt yelled can’t you do role play about brothers, the boys immediately obeyed and decided to play Vali- Sugriva.  It is kind of sometimes you love them sometimes you hate them scenario.

The intricate tangle of love, duty and resentment that ties the siblings’ together is amazing. The glances exchanged the complicated balance these were having established over decades. The rules of the game played are something that someone who does not belong to sibling circle may find it kind of difficult to understand.  Maybe that is the key, I mean this is a natural group it makes others feel remarkably singular in comparison. Over twenty years now has shifted out of the country and we have drifted, when I see other siblings it brings home the I’m missing.

Yes he does drop in once in every two years, but between visiting his in-laws, the numerous puja’s sight-seeing and shopping on his side and my work and family commitments on my side it we probably meet for half a day.

I hear this very commonly expressed and rather romantic notion of “Rakhi-brother/sister” let’s get real; the fact is we might be better served to accept that we are all siblings. After all siblings fight pulls each other’s hair, steal stuff and accuse each other indiscriminately. But siblings do know the undeniable fact that they are the same blood, with same origins and are family, even when they hate each other that put a lot of things into perspective.

Probably just as famous as the sibling bonding is the it’s sibling the sibling rivalry happens due to the toxicity created by parents comparing one sibling unfavourably with another, the target child feels he’s not doing enough to gain parental affection. This motivates the child to do whatever the parents want to regain their favour, this divide and conquer technique is often unleashed against children who become a little too independent threatening the balance of the family system.

Despite rivalry most siblings have this acceptance…he/she is my sibling…my blood, she/he annoys the hell out of me, most of the time but when it comes right down to it I want see him/her graduate from college and have a little annoying mini-Ram’s and mini-Seeta’s running around in the future. When I look at my mother and her siblings I realize that sibling relationships outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship, they flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust.

Certainly people do get along without siblings, single children do and there are people who irreparably with their siblings who live full and satisfying lives, yet to have siblings and not make the most of that resource is squandering one the greatest interpersonal resources one could ever have. Between you and me siblings that say they never fight well, are definitely hiding something.

“We Love, We Fight!
We feel Proud, We envy!
We Support, We Differ!
But whenever someone else tries to talk against anyone, we are always together.
And whenever we have any reason to celebrate, we are together.
Yes, we are siblings!”
― Pankaj Gupta

 

Cinders.

Burning of Holika… happened when Hiranyankashapu wanted to destroy his son Prahalada the old wives give it a simple good wins over evil hue. There are people who give it profound philosophical depth about burning the negatives within us, and going to the “morally superior” plane. To the sceptic in me it occurs, that okay we collect all the winter dry debris and burn it, garbage gone, dull and dried out… and welcome spring which is all about procreation and energy.

After recovering from 40% burns, through sheer willpower and grit, reference to three things I would like to burn seems like flagging a red cape before the bull. But maybe so, because the colour red exciting the bull is all bullshit..

Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, palak paneer in the pot nine days old… the young shop assistant looks at me aghast …I possibly could not confess that i left this cooker on a burning stove and went out to the market!!

Hey interesting isn’t it when stove burns it contains the fire; it uses fuel, gives out heat, that is another usage of the word burns. I definitely think twice something that consumes fuel and gives off heat… after all resources are not squandered. .

Burn is also combustion… like the engines of various vehicles, well would I want to do that I do not have the technical knowhow, and having dealt with my own personal spontaneous combustion I think I rather give it a skip,  think about this lingering bottled up anger… it never reveals the true colours of an individual then it slowly gets all mixed up, rotten, confused, and becomes, very volatile unstable and combustible then one small ignition and boom the explosion occurs totally foreign and different to the natural self… yes we definitely skip it.

When the stove burns it contains the fire, this helps to cook, to keep warm whatever, we are all born with the fire within us, do,  should we contain it like the stove or do we let it out free for all… containing it would mean experiencing discomfort like burning with jealousy, shame or whatever we choose to call the cinders, or we could burn with ambition, give it fuel, let the light and heat out and accelerate to action, so that the human doing will manifest as the powerful human being.

It’s okay  if the burn down as occurred like a burnt down houses, it’s not a burn sentence on an electric chair, one can rise from the ashes like the phoenix and fly to different vista’s at different altitudes.

The Kabala has a beautiful philosophy, which is each week comes with its own unique opportunities for transformation. When we do connect with the energy of the week then we transformed, we are empowered and the major shift occurs. Maybe the belief that transformation happens when we are ready for it has been burnt too deep into me, so I think this musing over three things which would burn… flags the connect. However the bottom line, things I would burn

  • The stove to cook the food that nourishes.
  • Incense that cleanses and takes the staleness away.
  • Body fat to make myself more aesthetic.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

 

 

Dream On Predictive,Vision,Escape

The 9th A classroom was the corner square of the first floor of the building, there was feeling of being grown up when we entered there, but  the tables and the chairs, brought us back.The minute the teacher opened her notes, and began dictating God knows what… my yes drifted, the lake of Manipal… this before it was made into a Touristy spot there was no housing society beyond, there was just open flat land beyond the church of Manipal which was like end of the world… few cows grazing…clouds like the one described by Kalidasa in Meghadoota…as elephants put their trunks down to the non-existent water from the drying Palla

“hey you sapna… stop dreaming…come back to class” How unfair, here I was writing the masterpiece that is destined to send Kalidasa to the land of the forgotten and my musing was disturbed. We were told not to dream…. how sad. Because dreaming was considered non-productive escapist quality. The system desperately wove us into  the George Carlin ideology

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
― George Carlin

Then came the Amway into my life, suddenly I was told to dream, then dreams meant, a strongly desired goal or purpose and from human being who was slumbering in her own comfort zone, the human doing emerged, I had to do lists, achievable goals brownie points for achieving and band aid when I didn’t. Dream took a who new meaning. It meant vision.

At this point I am wondering about the word dream in itself we think dreams are not real, maybe because they aren’t made of matter, of particles… Dreams however are real, but they are made of view points… of images… of memories and puns and lost hopes.

As I set on this journey of transforming from human doing to human being, I realized, that sleep, is when the conscious mind rests and the subconscious continues to do its job. The images, the  messages we accumulate through the wakeful states, we let go into this vast undefined space that is our subconscious, during the first third the mind sorts all the information. During the middle third it becomes predictive… the mind assimilates and consolidates various beliefs, the mind also looks at probable outcomes of various behaviour pattern. The final third is probably the most entertaining the venting stage where I get to date PG Wodehouse, murder Premalatha teacher, and get crowned as the home coming queen. This is the imagery flushing that happens.

Of course as an hypnotherapist, I work a lot with the middle third of the dream, the symbolism the association. In my own dreams I have familiar landscapes, and events that kind of become comforting and reassuring, like a rocky terrain near the sea, I think it is Naples, and when I arrive there, the sense of peace and security is amazing, for at that moment I know that I am crossing over from life to death.

There have been times when I have woken up breaking sweat with unexplained rage, sometimes with sorrow   it is like the lingering of a spicy dish.Guess that is called a Nightmare..unfortunately one of those came true…I had the original Dracula as my examiner and I had to repeat the exam six months later.

Be it an escape, be it an vision, be it a predictive beacon, yes I am a dreamer, for a dreamer is one who  find her way by moonlight and my punishment is that I see the dawn before the rest of the world.

Lets resolve

New Year is round the corner,

The blogher’s group sends its blog for the year calendar, the Goa reader’s club sends it, and guess what I used vistaprint and create my own calendar since my resolution was to be organized get some projects done and end of the year I presume I would be emotionally, intellectually and financially satiated, These resolutions are quite carefully made, some where I never realized that the year that went by held the language of the year that went by, with demonetization… Vamana Jayanthi…Kattappa and Bahubali resounding in them while the words of the next year are yet to be voiced.

Considering that the last year I had projects spanning the entire year and my year sounded like it would really resonate as for  what went wrong let’s go to it in a while, for now my resolution was  planning my work and work my plan. I did the planning quite well, discovering what I wanted to achieve during the year the goals gave me a direction I felt I was inviting a powerful force into play, both on the universe and subconscious level.  What I wanted to achieve the time lines for it, the big things I did not really did not account much for the little things despite knowing that the little things matter too.  Self improvement was on the agenda interestingly not self acceptance,
“hi, there here is new improved me.” the problems I wanted to solve, they were all there on paper I had a spent a week creating it.

So why did I fail?

Maybe because I was secretive, the fear that I will be ridiculed so was overwhelming that I didn’t tell anyone so I had no running buddy, when I say anyone I mean not even the universe you see the calendar I got printed at Vistaprints. Well I have not sighted it since Febraury 2016

Maybe the to do list was too much so when Justforkics I went out on a date with rest of the to do list lost in the disaster zone I have a legitimate argument I shall go back to my plan when I find the map.

There is a newer excitement popping up. My time line is  not honoured, I have commitments to my mother, daughters, society which come before my personal pandering my resolutions are after all personal pandering.  With mother she said the time frame would not work simple things like not accounting for travel time, or the time when someone knocks your door.etc.

Another friend whose resolution was to go to the gym or swim gave it up because of the financial factor. Though why she could not swim in the sea or take a brisk walk I do not know.

Most of the times our resolutions are unrealistic, and not properly planned. The resolution I did last year I  had put things into a time frame, including account for my second Saturday’s out of town with my daughter at her school town. So why did I not execute… that is interesting, executing it meant I had to give up something the sometime was oh! I have to visit my daughter… but this demand is made of me… it gave me a sense of relevance. that brings me to the reason why most of the resolutions fail, we are not authentic with the change we want to make or the benchmark we would like to achieve.

This year my resolution is very simple…tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book I intend writing a good one…opening line goes…Que Sera Sera…what will be will be one very convenient goal planning book that worked for me whatever little I achieved was from Personal success today

I am writing this for #flashbackRefreshedy  activity on forfoodiefamily in association with Sandy’s Bake Studio.

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