It was the same scene that emerged each time she shut her eyes, the feeling was very unsettling, it was a mixture of fear, anger, and finally shame. The night mare was familiar her eyes drooped and just when she lifted her guard to sleep, the image appeared, each time the feeling got stronger.
She had been to the doctor, who put her through various tests, and declared her sleep deprived, that was the time she flared up, she didn’t need tests conducted on her for four days only to be told she was sleep deprived, she was quite aware of the fact and the consequences had brought her to the doctor.
“Seema, maybe you should go to Dr.Jagati,” her friend had suggested, after various tests, she was in no mood to go to any one now.
Still, exhaustion lead her to try just once more she visited Dr.Jagati, who went through all her report
“see ideally I should get all these tests repeated, but since it is all in place lets not waste time.”
Seema, heaved a sigh of relief,
“I would like to keep you under observation, how does that sound?”
“there comes the gilitch” thought Seema “before I put you into observation, I want you to go off tranquilisers for a week, can you do it? if you can’t we’ll do it under supervision.”
‘I can do it’
Week later she was at the clinic totally exhausted only wanting to sleep and doing nothing else, the sleep test was done at night, one night with the CPAP, one night without it, Dr.Kishore the ENT specialist ran an image, no blocks anywhere, “all tests are normal.”
Seema waited for the often beaten track, it is psychological, you should learn to relax what ever,
“what do you think of hypnotherapy” the question came from out of the blue.
“Well, I don’t really believe in all that hocus pocus doctor, and more over I too strong for anyone else to control me,”
‘well, here is what I have to say, your condition is not physical, maybe I could call it psychological, but it is something to do with your beliefs.”
“I know I have heard this stuff before,”
“maybe, maybe you can listen to what I have then take a call. There are some beliefs we pick up along the way, it could be from anywhere and from any one, one belief that you have internalized is that if you are not vigilant then you will be destroyed. If we could address that belief, and the origin of that belief then maybe we can resolve your sleep issue.”
“so you will hypnothize me is it?”
“I will be in your control,”
“No you won’t, you will be in the control of your subconscious mind. Nothing more nothing less.”
“You could give it a try.”
Seema, very sceptically went for the first session, Dr.Jagati was taking her down deep into her subconscious mind, the same sense of uneasiness began, now she saw feet, it was a large feet maybe size 9 in current scenario, but on the feet were wooden footwear with just a stubble to grip and no straps.
“What else do you see Seema” asked the doctor, as she shared her vision, “and what do you feel?”
“Uneasy, I see a bridge; it is dull grey-green the river below and expanse of forest on either side.”
“Just see and feel “
Seema, heard footsteps, her mind told her that she was hearing someone walk outside, but the conviction ran very high she was not imagining it the old man slowly took a form, he was in a veshti, but unlike today’s men, this was draped differently, the man was not really old, but seemed middle aged well sculpted body and he was definitely a person of authority.
“Where are you?” was a soft question, she was not sure if the question was her own mind,
“On a bridge,”
“Running, with something in my hand,” Seema felt the older man stride towards him with a sword, there was some fear seeping in now man seemed to want to kill him, out of nowhere another man jumped in, he was masked….
“Rishi.. Do the right thing” said the old man,
The masked man laughed, ”This man, how can he even do the right thing? The Mahabali is dead, and his Velavalli, is still alive,” the man in Seema’s memory seemed to have arrived at his wits end, he jumped right down the bridge taking the young child with him. Velavalli were warrior body guards of the Kings, who would die on the Kings funeral pyre if they outlived their king in a war.
“this is the moment of death, come out of your body what is that you see,”
I see the old man in tears, the masked man with a sword dripping in blood, and the old man saying, ”If only Rishi had been more vigilant the King and Prince would have been saved I should have seen this coming. And know something doctor if I see the face behind the mask, then I can sleep, it that masked face that is troubling me. I know this masked face is in my current life too, but I do not know who and where, I am still not vigilant”
Seema went into silence, her mind refused to go further, slowly the doctor counted her out. Seema wondered about the masks…maybe the masks were what people used to keep parts of them hidden, some secrets like those wicked, and unkind parts. Some of those parts maybe are brave, or colourful. Some small pieces that are cunning, imagine these pieces of jigsaw puzzles being locked up somewhere deep within. Her mind could have hidden this maybe because she afraid of being judged, or being relied upon to feats of bravery or boldness, or nearer truth it might be a deep seated knowledge of failure to do ones duty…all these whispers, they came from the shadow. Like perfume masked foul and offensive odour, spices masked putrid rotting meat, the music, drowned the voices of others, or maybe her own voice within that said, ”I think I know your fatal flaw.”