Me against myself, — the conflict on this prompt began on whether I should write about autoimmunity or should I write about self-sabotage. The metaphysics of auto-immune disorders happens to be self-sabotage so i decided to go with it.
Who shall I write about … the me who knows that to be at meeting at 10 am I need to leave home at 9am, yet I leave at 9.30 and hold the peak hour traffic responsible?
Shall share about the me who waited till the 11th hour to book her tickets and then cribbed that she could not attend a meet because there were no tickets.
Or shall talk about the me, who suffers this acute squeeze in the stomach it so unbearable that the only relief is biting myself.
Or shall I talk about the me who gets so angry that tears flow down and the only way to stop myself from saying anything really damage is clawing myself until I bleed.
Which one of the me do you identify with? Or do you see yourself in another destructive image of me.
Anyway just in case you are wondering who i am, I am self-sabotage, and I am the me that you are constantly in war with.
When I say self sabotage I mean we say we want things but we do not do the things that would facilitate its happening.
Self sabotage could happen for many reasons, there is a huge inner child behind self sabotage and unless that inner child is healed there is no respite.
Not enough self-care and connection is one. we are so used to put ourselves last that we sabotage everything. Coming out of this has to be done with baby steps, like each day do ONE thing that will allow you to feel physically and emotionally good. i started with affirmations in the morning, followed by a morning walk. My inner child with low self esteem versus my adult self.
Setting goals that are too high. Its like that monk in the 36th chamber of shaolin directly going to thirty six without raising through the others. what works here I realized is creating a single line goal and putting it on time line suddenly things resolve. It is my vulnerable inner child versus my adult.
Blending work and leisure time: we do not define boundaries, this is best shown in our inability to demarcate between work time and leisure time. Less important stuff is covered while the more important stuff is left out. The result being we are non productive. So my tired inner child defeats my ambitious adult.
We put up resistance because we believe the sad story we have told ourselves. the inner child who has been judged and condemned comes to play. If we actually took a minute to listen to what we are telling ourselves it is scary.
We are trying to put someone else right, which is a paradox since the only person who we can effect to bring about a change is ourselves.
These are just a few, each one of us have our own way to sabotaging and keeping ourselves down? Our need to be a victim is so strong that we are quite willing to bring the roof down on ourselves. On one hand we have the need to control, because many of us have been victim of child abuse that need not necessarily be sexual now self sabotage allows us to be both victim and victimizer.
One favourite self sabotaging technique is waiting for the perfect moment to begin something. Nothing works perfectly for the first times, each time it evolves and everything has a learning curve. The beginning is precisely a beginning nothing more nothing less. We give up the compulsion to be flawless on the first try then things begin to work.
We are often made to believe that belief in our abilities and recognizing our strengths is being egoistic while putting ourselves down is being humble… I always think of Uriah Heep when people say humble, or marc Anthony and Brutus was a Nobel man. but the emphasis and the reason for a pure humility is to result in love for others, and not belittle self. When there is pride and self righteousness and being pretentiously too far above, generally one has a difficult time reacting compassionate side of others, the side that understands … okay i stand corrected attempts to understand:”I am aware that I am not so far from falling in the same way,” Humility seeks to understand and sometimes even relate and in result, the love, lovingly, properly effectively wills the removal of the destructive sins of another
This entire gamut of things I realize is like a zebra, it is not something outside of us, the zebra is inside us, our fears, our own self-destructive nature, the zera is the worst part of us when we are face-to-face with our worst times, the demon in us..b. the goes to war against us.
Images courtesy Google Images.