When my smart phone went missing believe me I felt absolutely relieved. The worst thing that could happen to human kind was the day Alexander Graham Bell uttered, ”Mr. Watson-come here-I want to see you.” It was the first intelligible words ever spoken over the telephone. Here is a collection of voicemails by ― Maggie Stiefvater, in Forever We have all heard these or minor variation of these.
“Voicemail #1: “Hi, Isabel Culpeper. I am lying in my bed, looking at the ceiling. I am mostly naked. I am thinking of … your mother. Call me.”
Voicemail #2: The first minute and thirty seconds of “I’ve Gotta Get a Message to You” by the Bee Gees.
Voicemail #3: “I’m bored. I need to be entertained. Sam is moping. I may kill him with his own guitar. It would give me something to do and also make him say something. Two birds with one stone! I find all these old expressions unnecessarily violent. Like, ring around the rosy. That’s about the plague, did you know? Of course you did. The plague is, like, your older cousin. Hey, does Sam talk to you? He says jack shit to me. God, I’m bored. Call me.”
Voicemail #4: “Hotel California” by the Eagles, in its entirety, with every instance of the word California replaced with Minnesota.
Voicemail #5: “Hi, this is Cole St. Clair. Want to know two true things? One, you’re never picking up this phone. Two, I’m never going to stop leaving long messages. It’s like therapy. Gotta talk to someone. Hey, you know what I figured out today? Victor’s dead. I figured it out yesterday, too. Every day I figure it out again. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I feel like there’s no one I can —”
Voicemail #6: “So, yeah, I’m sorry. That last message went a little pear-shaped. You like that expression? Sam said it the other day. Hey, try this theory on for size: I think he’s a dead British housewife reincarnated into a Beatle’s body. You know, I used to know this band that put on fake British accents for their shows. Boy, did they suck, aside from being assholes. I can’t remember their name now. I’m either getting senile or I’ve done enough to my brain that stuff’s falling out. Not so fair of me to make this one-sided, is it? I’m always talking about myself in these things. So, how are you, Isabel Rosemary Culpeper? Smile lately? Hot Toddies. That was the name of the band. The Hot Toddies.”
Voicemail #20: “I wish you’d answer.”
I am convinced that telephone is the invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. It is an instrument of intrusion into order, a threat to control, just when you think you are alone and safe a call could come that changes your life. or someone else’s. it makes the same flat mechanical noise for everyone and gives no clues what’s waiting there on the other end of the line. One can never be too careful.
Before voice mail, a recorded phone message that one can’t escape life was easier. I just didn’t pick up the phone (I switch it off now). It is definitely not good to be alone, so bond with what is around me, sometimes, with the universe, sometimes with my own insignificant self, and then there are my books. With so much going around, and now that you know my true attitude towards telephones, from primitive Graham Bell invention to its youngest generation; you can guess what happens when my Smartphone goes missing…
What the hell, it is a new phone, over which we just blew up 11k, hardly a week old and I didn’t even know how to operate it. Depreciation on the phone is so negligible that it does not comfort.
Holy heavens!! Someone could misuse use it, abuse it… now to trot to the police station, lodge a complaint, block the SIM, get a replacement SIM and the works.
But the bright side is I can clean swipe the SIM and save only the truly precious numbers, to all others with a straight face and all honesty I can say, oh! I meant to call you but, You see my phone is missing so I have lost your number.
On serious thought, to me, a good friend is the one who doesn’t talk, but listens all the time. Someone who is observant, someone who wiretaps your phone lines…. I consider myself a good friend…LOL