What’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can have it!
Well materially there were no such situations, that I wanted and I didn’t have but yes there were events I would have loved to happen or situations I would liked my achievements to be acknowledged. I would have loved to receive compliments, well I didn’t.
I remember the feeling, as if the coach took me aside and I knew what was coming.”I’m off the team aren’t I?” I wanted to ask. I knew the coach would say “You were never really ON the team, you made your uniform out of rags and towels, your helmet… it’s a cap! You turn up at the practice and steal the ball, you make us chase you to get it back, or tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true then, it is true to the day, I don’t belong. I thought someone would see me as some kind of raw talent that can be molded, but now there are only molds. I feel handcuffs, for trespassing.
The dream is never really forgotten, it’s put aside, never out of reach there is some day it will connect me to the spirit of the child, like the dream had connected me to world of adults then. In the meantime, I could withdraw to my room, could hide and sleep as if I were dead.
The worst part of holding to those memories is not the pain, it is the loneliness, and memories need to be shared. Minutes, hours, days weeks or even months can be spent in over analyzing the situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve ,would’ve happened… or the pieces can be just left on the floor and one could move on.
The irony is it happens to everyone, as they grow up and you find out who you are and what you want, then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So keep the wonderful memories and you find yourself moving on.