Ebb and flow – blog 3yrs down the line, if I am alive….
I have been blogging for a decade now.
I discovered when I was desperately looking for two of my lost friends.One has returned to my life, the other still stays lost living only as wisps of memory. That is good in a way she is still 21yrs old not a day older than the day we parted. Maybe she is a mother of a 21 yr old today I don’t know, but she stayed frozen in time.
Reading my blogs, they have morphed interests shift, life has happened. Reading my old blogs is so disorienting, I remember thinking the thoughts and writing the words, but, I can’t TOUCH those feelings. It’s as if they belonged to someone else, someone, who I don’t even know. I’m aware intellectually, that I did experience those emotions, but they are far away.
What’s strange is I can’t even force my heart or my thoughts’ to that place where I felt those all-consuming passion, and emotions. That makes me feel very distant from myself. Was I then? Who am I now? Will I ever get back to that place? Who is the real me, the one who experienced those emotions and thought those thoughts, or the me who sees, and feels the way I do now?
If only I had done this, I had said this, well in the end I am only tormented by what I didn’t do than what I did, actions already performed can be rationalized in time, the neglected deed might have changed the world, specially my world.
Think about we do not grow absolutely, chronologically, we grow sometimes in one dimension, and not the other, it is so uneven. We sometimes even grow partially so may be we are relative? Mature in one realm and childish in another. The past, present and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells constellations. Our enjoyment appearing at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act. The only way to make sense of this change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships.. we insist on permanency on duration, on continuity, when the only continuity possible in life as in love is in growth, fluidity.. security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia nor forward to what it might be in dread in anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within our limits-islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continually visited and abandoned by tides.